DEAR ALLAN

You’re an important part of my body, controlling aspects of my airflow.  You used to be so nice, Allan.  You didn’t make a noise when you weren’t wanted.  You could hold the air and then just let it out slowly, noiselessly, in privacy, when I was alone, on my instruction. But about five years ago, you started unexpectedly exploding at the most inopportune times.  Frankly, Allan, we can’t go on this way.

Luckily I spend a lot of my time alone, so many of your noisy explosions haven’t been heard by others, but that is just luck on my part.  It is really rude of you, and I need you to be more disciplined, only letting out the air and making a noise when I say it’s OK.

I suppose it’s partly my fault.  I’m supposed to be in charge.  As a child, my mother told me how embarrassing it was if someone made noises unexpectedly, especially if they came with a very unsavoury smell.  While smells often couldn’t be definitively tracked down to me/you, was embarrassing, since I knew where they came from.

So I didn’t allowed you, Allan, to present yourself in public for about 50 years.  Then a close family friend used to let his ‘Allan’ make extraordinarily loud and long noises as a party trick, and laughed about it!  It didn’t seem so embarrassing.  It seemed everyone had an ‘Allan’ in their body, so why not let the Allans of the world make a noise, be present?  To be honest, sometimes it brought me great relief to let out the air, noise or not, and it was exciting to do something against the social ‘rules’.

But, Allan, you took this encouragement and ran with it!  You started deciding for yourself when you’d announce your presence… That was embarrassing for me, since there were only some times when it was OK and many times (like business meetings, social dinners, theatres) where it was inappropriate, distracting, unnecessary.

And now I find I can’t control you!  I try hard.  I do Kegel exercises to tighten the muscles but, just when I think I’ve got you back under control, dammit!  You go and break the rules and let me down.

I just don’t know what to do with myself now to get my control back.  Should I eat and drink less?  Should I exercise more?  Should my brain focus more on you?  Should I give you special time during the day, so you feel loved and wanted, making sure you are on stage when I want you to be, not when you want to.

Perhaps I’ll ask my friends on Facebook what they do to control their ‘Allans’ (and perhaps ‘Allies’ for women).  We can’t go on this way.

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